A friend has been taking me through an art Mandala making process. We started with layer 1 that represented the Earth. Layer 2 represented Flow. Layer 3 represented what we want (or at least think we want, lol) to bring into existence. It has been a few months since we did layer 3 and the painting has been sat in the front of my van and had many positive compliments of it. Someone even asked if they could take a picture of it.
I hadn’t realised, until it came to the point of covering over it, that I had indeed become quite attached to the painting! How often is this the case? We do not know attachments are forming until whatever it is we have become attached to leaves us or wants to change, whether that be a person, place of residence, our looks as we are ageing, etc, etc…
Not only had I become quite fond of my little painting, the next layers theme was Play! What is the problem with that you may ask? Well… It became very apparent to me that I struggle to play. This is something I am aware of and part of this whole Mandala process, for me anyways is to become more proficient at it!
It was very challenging. The usual sense of not knowing where to start kicked in. The overwhelm of too many options. I literally froze. All my childhood anxiety around play flooded straight back.
I found myself observing my friend whom was dropping runny paint on her painting and splodging it everywhere. I enforced my usual tactic in this situation, which is to copy or mimic. Initially it was painful and I felt quite nauseous as I splatted my painting with random paints, no order, no structure, fingers started to become involved, dipping into colours and swirling around on the canvas. My friend seemed to be thoroughly enjoying the process but to me it was quite hellish, the texture of the paints on my fingers felt icky.
I was aware of a grief present for my disappearing old image, although in reality it is still there, radiating out behind the new layer. I could feel the sensory-ness of the experience making me withdraw into myself. I could feel that all familiar bubble of wanting to engage in play but not quite knowing “how to” and I found myself painting a dark grey band to represent this.
I became aware of the thought, “This isn’t fun, this is not how I play!” I then started to get curious about what play looks like for me and that it doesn’t have to look the same as my friend. I played with making repetitive shapes with the fan brush, and then made different coloured building blocks with a toothbrush. This repetition, repeating of patterns appears very soothing to my body. I started to relax, to be ok with my way of playing which led to me then being able to be more freeform with the colours, my Joy revealing itself in creating harmonious, (to my eyes anyway), blends of sweeping colours into a spinning vortex of rainbow.
So my painting has gone through a transformation. The journey was not comfortable and yet it was still enjoyable. I have seen and released a lot! This painting to me, is very revealing! Acceptance of my struggles is an ongoing dance. It’s no surprise that one of the ways I love to play is through movement and dance. All the feelings and sensations, the grief of having to cover up my third layer, all gone. It is done.
Non-attachment does not ever mean you are not going to get attached to things or feel anything uncomfortable ever again. The trick is to not get entangled with whatever is happening. When you notice you have attached to something that causes discomfort, that is the only moment you can do something about it. To open you hands, like that in the painting and release your grip. Only then can the energy be free to morph and change and grow and evolve. Sometimes you just gotta accept what is and do what you need to do for you.
I could write so much more on this yet I am aware of time slipping away. I’ve had to let go of getting this blog out early today. Some of you will have had to let go of receiving it early lol. I actually went to give the cat cuddle earlier on the bed and then proceeded to fall asleep face down for two hours! Acceptance is also a form of letting go. Letting go of wanting things to be different. If you are exhausted then you are exhausted and need rest. If you are grieving you need to let yourself grieve. If you are not happy, there’s no use in pretending you are. First you have to admit the Truth. Then the energy can shift of it’s own accord.
Getting out of our own way is a practice. In Meditation we practice the art of non-attachment by allowing ALL thoughts, the good, the bad, the ugly, the uncomfortable, to come and go. Speaking from my own experience, this certainly makes it easier to do when we have our eyes open too.
If you’d like to join us tonight, Monday 19th August 2024, 7.30pm for Meditation Cafe, to explore what non-attachment looks like in Meditation and to help you to release your grip on life, you can register here:
https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/tZModuyqqz0vG9U65nyRQaSze-VqQlkmOq5X
No previous experience necessary. An open mind and willing Heart is helpful. Please read the contraindications on the Meditation Cafe page if you are struggling with your mental health or experiencing any trauma and contact me beforehand if necessary.
Meditation Cafe is part of The Silent Revolution and is free by default. If you’d like to support me in this work, you can if you feel called to, “Buy Me A Coffee” in the Cafe, pay for the tuition received (the going rate is between £5 – £8 for similar online classes) or express your Gratitude with a donation here:
http://paypal.me/thebendywitch
There’s no obligation to donate implied AND all donations are Gratefully received 🙏🏼
To receive these Meditation Cafe blogs and zoom links directly to inbox, please subscribe here:
Thank you for liking, sharing blogs and poems you resonate with with friends and for sharing any thoughts provoked, contemplations and your experiences of Meditation in the comments.
The Bendy Witch 