Meditation Cafe: Living With Trauma & SPD

Last Wednesday my van steering decided to pack up when I was visiting my daughter in Bedford. Power steering fluid dripping all over the place, steaming on the hot engine, and as you can imagine the van is rather heavy and unsafe to steer with no power steering. Not wanting to risk driving back to Northampton or risk damaging the steering column further, Kali van had her first tow! 

It was interesting to observe my body immediately go into hyper vigilance the moment I noticed I was struggling to turn the corner, then into fear mode, then into freeze. This all happened before a thought on the situation even entered my mind. My body autonomously entered the trauma response, going through all the motions, disassociation, body shaking, inability to think clearly.

In my previous van Bluey (a classic VW T2), I broke down sooo many times in precarious places. We had an epic 3 truck tow back from Scotland. Although this situation was nowhere near as scary as some of the situations I encountered in Bluey, this still did not stop the autonomous visceral response in my body, which clearly was anticipating more of the same.

My capacity to function coherently had completely diminished. Fortunately my daughter was with me whom was great. She found numbers of garages and even though she was a bit perplexed as to why I was so overwhelmed, she helped me none the less. I am grateful for the lady on the other end of the phone whom was patient at least with my babbling.

My daughter was fortunately able to walk home while I proceeded in my still reactive, “panicked” state to call people who would also be affected by what had occurred. In hindsight, I should have waited until my system had regulated itself again. My own stories, that were beginning to rear their ugly heads, were enough to contend with.

“Why is this happening, haven’t I had enough shit happen already these last years?”

Floods, extreme exhaustion, other things breaking down, none of which were happening in the moment. Fears about costs that led to “Why hasn’t the boat sold yet?” It’s nearly sold 3 times but then there’s been an unseen or undisclosed complications. Yes, yes, Divine timing and all that. It’s still frustrating to think things are moving ahead only for them to be suddenly not. I may have been a Monk for a bit but I’m not a Saint.

I communicated with a friend whom knows very well the patterns of trauma. He knew exactly what to say and in that recognition and complete acceptance that this body is doing what it’s doing whether I want it to or not, and in owning the thoughts that this situation is a bit shit, a space appeared that allowed me to choose for more space. I sat in the back of the van and Meditated whilst waiting for the tow truck…

I closed my eyes. Mind was a tsunami, churning up past images of breakdowns, memories of huge bills, ruminating over various abominable outcomes. It was uncomfortable and yet there was a space around it. I have learnt to simply allow it yet not be in it. This is why I close my eyes to `meditate every day. After a while I felt my body “drop” into a deeper state. Mind was still chuntering but fading into the distance as the Silence and a sense (not a thought) of it’s all gonna be okay, overtook me and my body. I remembered that all those past situations got resolved somehow and so will this one.

I’m on the threshold of BIG changes for sure. The uncertainty of not knowing when the boat will sell and the stress of having thought it was sold 3 times has been taking it’s toll. I want to be off the boat by this winter with my feet on solid ground as I’m remembering why I left this marina. As lovely as it is, the wind here, as it’s high up and very open, is extremely disregulating to my nervous system. It triggers my sensory processing issues, as does many of the noises and sensations I experience on the boat, which in turn affects my physical functionality.

SPD is not something that can be “fixed”. It can be managed and part of that management is behind the choice to get back on land and find a less sensorily triggering environment.

Sensory processing disorder has been characterized as the source of significant problems in organizing sensation coming from the body and the environment and is manifested by difficulties in the performance in one or more of the main areas of life: productivity, leisure and play or activities of daily living. It is commonly experienced, but not exclusive in, people with neurodiversity such Autism, ADHD and Dyspraxia.

Me writing this and sharing more openly is a BIG indication that a shift is happening internally. A step to overcoming the fear of other peoples judgements, of which I have also had to contend with this year and I always will if I am to live with my head above the parapet.

As I get older I realise that others opinions are really none of my business. Gossip and slander appear to have followed me from a very early age. I hear the astrologers proclaiming that Lilith in 1st House combined with Moon in 12th house placements, well that’s all part of this BEings Divine play. Becoming immune to the judgements of others that really have no idea of my experience, however well they think they know me, whilst remaining open Hearted and Compassionate (sometimes now ruthlessly) is a dance in itself.

It’s in these moments of change and growth and growing up (however old you are) where there’s a potential for a big leap into a new beginning. A movement towards a new way of being is when the ego flares up and wants to take control, proclaiming, “Wtf are you doing!”, because the known is “safe”, even if the known is not supporting you to thrive and the only safely in it is that it’s familiar.

Theres been a lot going on. This little steering episode has though given me a chance to look at my direction and it’s been pulled all over the place, getting hijacked by whats “safe” and in doing so forgetting the one thing I wanted to do when the boat sells that makes me smile every time I think about it! You’ll have to wait until it happens to find out what it is. Today I took a step towards exploring this dream, which will also support me in my own healing journey.

It was not lost on me that the road on which I had to pull into was “Maia” Close, which has various Mythical and Magickal meanings. 

Maia is the Goddess of the fields in Greek mythology. She is said to be the oldest of the Pleiades, the most beautiful and the shyest. I’ve always had issues with seeing myself as beautiful, yet was bullied as a child because of my beauty combined with extreme shyness. Learning to accept myself as I am, whether perceived as beautiful or not, learning not to hide, especially as one begins to age, is an ongoing call for Love. .

In ancient Roman religion and myth, Maia embodied the concept of growth. All of our seemingly challenging situations are for our growth, including this one I now find myself in. How we meet ourselves in these delicate places of threshold determine whether we expand our Consciousness and Awareness or downward spiral.

Maya in Sanskrit is generally translated to “illusion” or “magic”, and has multiple meanings in Indian philosophies depending on the context. It is a term that I hear often used too flippantly without a deeper understandings of it’s mechanics, often interpreted that this world is not real, although I see it as more that what we project onto the world is not real. It is the projections that we’re dis-creating and seeing beyond.

“It’s not real, it’s all an illusion”, are utterly unhelpful words to say to a person whom is in a trauma response, especially if they have no real awareness yet of themselves beyond the body and mind. In this situation, seeing that word reminded me to be vigilant of the minds projections.

Being met with an opportunity to fall into said pit or level up, in my Meditation the next morning, the Angels gave me this little phrase to play with.

“Is there more than… “insert potentially downward spiralling situation/emotion”.. available to me now?” 

This little statement served as a remember that there is always more available than overwhelming fears, the Maya. It allowed me to release some tears from which followed a natural sense of Joy.

I experienced it not as a bypass, or denial or repression of “whatever is inserted”, I know very well what that feels like having previously done it for years, but an invitation to remain curious as to what else is there that may allow the discomfort to be welcomed, met and naturally dissolved within a Presence of Love. I invite you to play with it too.

I have found my Shamanic practices support the management and healing of trauma responses in the body. It is important to remember it takes time, compassion and Patience. One never knows when one will be triggered or by what.

My Meditation practice supports the ability to more easily see and not get sucked into the dramas and stories that arise in my mind as well as help me absorb the reverberations experienced daily due to SPD. It helps me on a daily basis to calm my nervous system and therefore supports my body too.

In Shamanism, the lower world is as noble a place to wake up to the Divine as the upper one. The Divine does not judge us; at least not in the way we have been led to believe. We would do well to learn to stop judging each other and ourselves for that matter. You never know what someone is experiencing, or what is going on their life, even if they appear to look like they should be doing better than they are.

Blessings to all of us navigating the effects of trauma and neurodiversity (which often is accompanied by trauma), that are doing the best we can with what we have and Blessings to all those doing their best to support us, also doing the best they can with what they have! 

It is Blessings we will be playing with tonight in Meditation Cafe. Blessing ourselves and each other instead of shaming ourselves and each other for how a body does what it needs to heal and protect us is a good place to start.

If you’d like to join us tonight, Monday 9th September 2024, 7.30pm for Meditation Cafe, to explore a beautiful Blessings practice , please join us. You can register here:

https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/tZMtcuCrrz0jG9QYZQUsmqyHF3EaodxCI_vo

No previous experience necessary. An open mind and willing Heart is helpful. Please read the contraindications on the Meditation Cafe page if you are struggling with your mental health or experiencing any trauma and contact me beforehand if necessary.

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