Last week I received a “late diagnosis” of Autism and combined type ADHD. It has been a long time coming after many people over many years suggesting it might be something I explore. It’s not overtly obvious. I’ve had 54 years to learn how to do “social”. It still doesn’t come naturally. I have many sensory issues that I’ve had to learn to live with and have for the most hidden. This is commonly known as masking and a prevalent trait in Autistic females.
I was resisting the “labels”, especially as someone that teaches Meditation that an aspect of which is dissolving identities. I realised that aversion is simply the other end of the string of attachment. Both bind us in some way.
It has been quite an overwhelming few weeks. Those whom have been through these assessments will attest that it his not any easy process to go through, for the system is still predominately designed for the Autistic and ADHD presentations of 7 year old hyperactive boys..
Though there was a moment in my assessment where I was invited to continue a made up story from a kids picture book and to my surprise I could not do it! I turned the page to see a Dragon and was like, “Oh there’s a Dragon! I love Dragons! They are a special interest of mine!”.. Then the assessor took over the story again and said the boy had killed the Dragon and I frowned at her. I did indeed fell like a 7 year old boy!
So I can’t make up stories from a picture book apparently but I can write good fiction, pen profound poetry from thin air and create a 20 house Haiku village to condense my experience into something digestible for now, as I have 54 years of suppressed experience to reconcile with that’s wanting to come out all at once!
LATE DIAGNOSIS
A long time question
Has finally been answered
It’s such a relief
Clarity received
Observed, scrutinised, assessed
Across arc of time
To label or not
Attachment and aversion
Are one and the same
I choose neither one
Yes now I have some labels
And yet I’m not bound
Lived experience
Has shown me that I am free
When I don’t pretend
That liberation
Is not about trying to
Be this or be that
I turn eyes inwards
In reconciliation
Of who I AM now
Not being swayed by
Dividing polarity
Pulled this way and that
Being authentic
In a strange world that demands
Compliance not Truth
A brave act indeed
So much easier to hide
Blend into background
My conclusion is
Labels are a beginning
Not a story’s end
Creative constraints
Expanding resilience
Innovations fuel
Curiosity
Explores the nature of one’s
Inherent struggle
Courage beckons me
To share kind words, helping those
With children like me
Gain insight into
Invisible challenges
Revealed in Loves light
Neuro Divergence
Can be both a gift and curse
Not better or worse
Each living being
Sculpted by genetics and
Life’s experience
Compassion grows
Learning to live together
Embracing nuance
From our own centre
In loving kindness we can
Support not divide
Recognize hardship
In ourselves and in others
Let us see with Love.
(Edited 11/6/26)
It is common knowledge that Autistics find it painfully difficult not speak honestly, sometimes to our own detriment and sometimes to others. Being honest has got many of us in trouble, hence the adaptation to masking, to studying communication, to trying to speak in ways deemed acceptable.
Being honest with ourselves first, understanding how WE function, helps us to be more discerning about when it’s safe to drop the mask (because sometimes it’s really just not) and be more authentic, at least in all our meaningful relationships. Ie, if you know I have a predominantly literal, highly detail oriented brain (some of you have met BRIAN 😂) and that facts are neutral, then you might not feel so offended when I do speak honestly (especially if you’ve asked for my honest opinion).
I want to be honest. I want you to know this so that you can view my writing and my offerings through this lens of Truth. I hope you will remain curious about me as I am still curious about me, and you and the world and how humans with different neurotypes and different points of reference and different sensory capacities, can work out a way to get along and understand each other.
Psychologists sometimes speak about “self-congruence”. This is the degree to which our outer lives align with our inner experience.
Research suggests that when we are able to live more authentically and honestly, wellbeing tends to improve. Less energy is spent maintaining masks, suppressing experiences, or trying to be who we think we should be.
This doesn’t mean sharing everything with everyone. But it may mean becoming more honest with ourselves. Especially if we are, what has come to be known as, neurodivergent.
For me this diagnosis is a starting point not an end. As a kid I had no language to describe what I was experiencing. I knew from very young it was quite different to others but I didn’t know why. I’ve had 54 years to find that language and if it helps just one other young Autistic, ADHD, Highly Sensitive Person feel recognised and seen and like they are not alone in how they experience this world, then all the inevitable negative points of view and talk of over-diagnosis and the “everyones a little bit…” comments, will be worth enduring.
I’ve been called too shy, too sensitive, weird for as long as I can remember. Even at last New Year, I walked into a social gathering and was introduced to a person whom said, “Oh you’re the weird one!” Young me would have been devastated. Older me quite frankly doesn’t give a monkey’s what you think. I replied, “Yep, that’s me, I’m the weird one” and I laughed a lot.
A Little Reflection on Weird
For most of my life, I understood weird to mean odd, different, or somehow outside the norm.
Imagine my delight when I discovered that the word weird comes from the Old English wyrd, which originally referred to fate, destiny, and the mysterious unfolding of life itself. It wasn’t a criticism at all. It pointed towards something connected to a deeper pattern and is very apt for one whom has come to be known as The Bendy Witch!
Perhaps being weird isn’t about not fitting in. Perhaps it’s simply about seeing, feeling, and experiencing life a little differently. Perhaps what we call weird is sometimes simply the courage to be honest about who we are.
Self Enquiry
✍🏼 What truth about myself have I been reluctant to acknowledge?
✍🏼 Where in my life would greater honesty create more freedom?
✍🏼 What becomes possible when I stop trying to fit into a story that was never mine?
Meditation Cafe
Tonight in Meditation Café we’ll be exploring the theme of Honesty 🎭✨
This week we’ll be reflecting on how being honest with ourselves first, creates the freedom to express ourselves more authentically
👉 Register here.
A space to pause, reflect and experience this together🥰
Meditation Cafe is on Sundays (except bank Holidays) at 8pm on zoom.
👉 Subscribe to my blog below for weekly registration link directly in your inbox.
👉 Recordings of previous Meditation Cafes can be accessed through these groups:
Telegram – Silence Revolution Group – This group is for all things Heart Words Meditation and meditation Cafe, where we also share our experience and our Heart Words.
Whats App – Raye White Community Group – This group is to stay updated on my one to one booking availability, events and offerings (including Meditation Cafe).
Blessed Be, imperfectly perfect Humans 🙏🏼🤗✨
Raye 💫
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